Flappy

How To Pull a Fat Bloke with a Colostomy Bag

managed to get my train fare refunded from Manchester which meant i had some quids to get messy for the bank holiday weekend….

Dived in the van, with Epidemic blaring we headed for BARNBOPPERS in Clun…

Upon arrival we were greated by the best host we have had in 4 years of sickness, he offered us an aperitif to get us in the mood, handed us a crate of stella and some meal tickets and the fun begun…

Lionel Rich Tea was with us, and was sporting the biggest pair of flares i have ever seen in my life and P&O was with new teeth, after losing the his old ones by accidentally glueing them to his cat’s arse well over a year ago.

after watching a piece of toast sing some cover versions, and a few Lionel hair cuts later, we got on stage….
I dont think i realised how battered i was until this point…

As soon as the beat kicked in on Ectplasmic, the Dr came flying out from stage left, tripped over the laptop lead and fell onto the crowd barrier (a upturned pallete), squashing Dickie Balboa and the front row of the crowd and ending up on his arse…
The sound was all over the place, and Doghouse fell over next… Filthy was sporting his ‘Pork Me’ swine flu dust mask, and me my ‘Sow’ one… we played the longest gig of our career which seemed to fly past in an instant… all the songs sounding 3 times their usual speed… what was my head doing… people seemed to be dancing… was i actually there? seemed like a dream…

We finished the gig with a disastrous rendition of ‘Shakin’ and headed for the DJ room… i was off me tits by this point and found myself dancing like a fuckign fruit cake and bellowing at the DJ to turn it up. It got quieter and quieter then got turned off… don’t remember much from here on in… except swilling and snorting and boshing and stuff….

Next thing i know it’s light and i’m walking through the car park holding one end of the hog roast, Doghouse carrying the other… we opened our van door to discover Lionel sleeping and put the half-eaten hog into bed with him.. at this moment i collapsed into the bigget laughing fit of my life, as Doghouse shut the door, and left them to it.

A fat man asked me if he could join the band. Doghouse said bring your oboe on Monday and we’ll make a start. The fat bloke then told me he liked me. I was about to leg it, when he grabbed my head with both hands.. i watched as his poked out a lumpy yellow toungue, he poked it into my mouth… which i i had shut as tight as i could.. then licked it up my face….
I managed to get out of his headlock and LEGGED it…
looking back at my rapist, he stood there and lifted his t-shirt up, exposing a massive bloated scabby belly with a FUCKING COLOSTOMY BAG attached to it….he wobbled his belly about while flicking his toungue and eyelids at me, everyone was laughing except me….. i made sure there was at least 10 metres between me and this fucker for the rest of the night!!!!!!! OH the joys of being single! X

Next i was waking up curled up in the sickmobile.. Filth was snoring next to me, and Dr Conker in the front…
i woke up laughing, still with the image of Lionel and the Pig asleep together…
Filth called him coco pop head and that was it… i didnt stop laughing for a about an hour or more…

Shortly after, we hugged our new friends, lobbed a very nasty, bitter, fucked up, evil Doghouse into the van and fucked off to Bristol…

On the way doghouse was abusing us and slapping us, so i decked him and poured his bottle of wine over his head to shut the fucker up, he soon fell asleep…

BRISTOL!!!!! What a fucking set up… Carny Ville!!! amazing shit….

We settled into the dressing room and cracked open a crate… The Sicknote Collective turned up and we tried to piece it all together…
Most of the band had a bit of a kip including Balboa:

Came to gig time.. and i felt fucking ROUGH…. we all looked sketchy as fuck… Doghouse still evil.
We got on stage, and Doghouse croaked at the lovely crowd:
“Suck my Pointless Fucking Chode you Cunts!”
followed by… “What the fuck you doing out on a Sunday, haven’t you got School tomorrow!?”
obviously oblivious to the fact it was a bank holiday…

i could see some people shouting abuse back and some walking out!.. but the majority laughing…

Doghouse was then sick immediately after finishing an appalling version of ‘Phone in Sick’… three times in succession, all onto the floor from where he sang.. causing the front few rows of the crowd to wince and heave….

The gig got better and better… and as we dropped Pikey Dnb and Headshot for the encore we had an actual Mosh-pit!
Think the last time we managed that was in Totaal Festival in Holland….

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZING!!!!!!!!!!!

we collected the pay and headed back…
i was hanging out of the window all the way home, ready to spu, but managed to refrain…
5am i climbed into bed…
WIRED!

what a fucking weekend!
x

thanks to Rev Phil Dread for photos…

6 thoughts on “How To Pull a Fat Bloke with a Colostomy Bag”

  1. pike’ing the pikies: glad u enjoyed da barn! they do like sicknote in them parts. swine about brizol: berlesk(cant even spell it) real porn much better.

  2. My! Sounds like an awesome weekend!….apart from the minging fat bloke complete with buzzin’ yellow tongue n crap bag! Ewwwwwww! XX

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